Posted by Christine 8. Secondary Narcissistic Supply Primary Narcissistic Supply provides all of the attention that the narcissist addict craves. The nature of the attention can be experienced in either a public form such as fame, celebrity, notoriety, or infamy etc.
As you can see, it does not matter whether the attention is positive or negative, as long as the narcissist is centre stage; one is as powerful as the other to him. Secondary Narcissistic Supply alludes to those people or things that provide supply on a regular basis such as a spouse, children, friends, colleagues, partners, students, etc. However, narcissistic supply is not confined to people only, it can be applied to any inanimate object that has the ability to attract attention and admiration to the narcissist, for example, a flash car, property, clothes, being a member of a church, cult, club, or a business.
In short, anything that acts as status symbols for the narcissist is narcissistic supply. This makes him fearless and relentless in pursuit of his revenge, a revenge that, in his head, will be triumphant The God Complex.
All these aspects together make him highly dangerous when his source of supply is threatened. Brian, I have to disagree. Primary supply sources are plentiful, come and go, disguarded…reeled back in for a second round whether it be short term or long term. It becomes a game of sorts to the Cluster B disordered individual.
The secondary supply source generally stands alone, are sought out for very specific reasonsnone of which have to do with love. While looking for weaknesses in primary sources they are looking for strengths in selecting a secondary source. Strong, independent, good job, home, children, social. They seek primary sources and prey on their weaknesses and seek secondary sources on their strengths. Neither includes love but they will fight to the end to hang on to that secondary source who everyone knows and likes and made them look normal.
Does it matter? I think it does matter in recovery to know what role you played…but, no one will need to tell you. That does not occur with primary sources. The fact that you are asking, means you have insight and self-awareness enough to likely NOT have the disorder. Wanting attention, admiration, success, achievement…or any outwardly social form of recognition, does not mean someone has the disorder. While there may be people on a sliding scale of narcissistic tendencies, the disorder is abusive to others.The most moving and painful to watch is the 28 second video of his teenage daughter trying to persuade him to stop drinking for fear of losing his job, while the Hoff half-naked drunkenly wobbles backwards and forwards whilst eating a burger off the floor.
Almost everyone will know someone who has been held in the clutches of addiction be it nicotine, alcohol, drugs or gambling and watched as their lives are leeched away by the very thing they crave. Roy F. Baumeister and Kathleen D. Vohs suggested in their review article, that Narcissism too was an addiction. They argued that:. When we think about addictions the overriding central problem is the sense of waste it causes- wasted lives, wasted money and at the very least wasted time — time they could usefully spend doing something more worthwhile with their lives.
For those who love them it is painful to watch by helplessly as a person who vows to do better next time, lives their own hellish Groundhog Day. Narcissistic traits can be like an addiction. As a result, craving for such satisfactions becomes strong. Eventually it can come to dominate other motivations and reduce rational behavior. If the drug is not provided, severe distress ensues, known as withdrawal. Repeated administrations of the same dose however yield diminishing levels of satisfaction, a pattern known as tolerance, and so the person may seek ever-greater dosages.
For narcissists, the drug of need is attention and adulation from others. As the addition progresses, the need is satisfied in more indiscriminate ways so a need for love may become manifest in unfaithfulness; a desire for achievement may become a lie which grows out of all proportion to the origins.
Narcissism is hard to treat too, because like other addicts, denial is its strength. Likewise, most of us need to be likes or esteemed by others but for a narcissist this need is more it is a craving. As Baumeister and Vohs suggest:. The greater tendency to yield may well have to do with some predisposition, such as if these pleasures are more satisfying to potential addicts than to other people, or if alternative satisfactions are weaker.
Indeed, it seems likely that the widespread dislike of narcissists is tinged with disapproval, which is again similar to how people regard addicts. So, we all want admiration and praise bus demure at the means by which narcissists achieve what we want. When they take it we disapprove, when they fall, we shame them. Addicts usually build a tolerance of their drug of choice, meaning they need more of the substance to achieve the same euphoria or hit.
It may be similar for Narcissists too.Why Can't I Quit My Narcissist? Codependency Addiction. Self-Love Deficit Disorder
They build their need for adulation and recognition to a pitch and then crash in a repeating cycle which requires them to be seen as better, bigger, smarter or stronger than before. As with any addict, this becomes unsustainable, not perhaps with the body, but certainly with the psyche. They call it doing cold turkey and it is why so many addicts fail to complete a rehab programme.
Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply And Sources of Supply
The withdrawal from a drug of choice is physically painful. Even gambling which does not involve putting substances into the body, still causes changes in brain chemistry. Take away the narcissistic supply and the narcissist will feel the pain of its withdrawal and do anything to see it returned. They will at the very least become aggressive and lash out at those who should either be providing the supply: a wife, colleague or even a newspaper!
Does it change how we view narcissists if we see them as addict?Home - Personality Disorder Definitions - Narcissistic supply addiction Drug-like withdrawal battered men. Are you settling as just a drug for the Narcissist to use and abuse? Perhaps they are your drug. This is exactly where they want you. Stumbling on your thoughts, questioning your sanity… the same old song. This fuel is like breathing for these delusional creatures.
Narcissistic supply is explained by ExploringYourMind as:. Narcissists believe that their narcissistic supply must feel, think, and act like them. It is not a pretty sight, and you will regret inflicting narcissistic wounds very quickly. Everything that loves you. You could be a child that gets bullied by their parent for supply, or a parent being bullied by the other parent using the children as a sadistic weapon in an unforgiving war.
There are plenty of situations for a Narc chasing this drug-like attachment to death. With that being said, supply always runs out. The more you try, the more you will fall.
Like all addicts, when the drug is finished they need to keep the high going by any means necessary. An abusive cycle.
Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply And Sources of Supply
When the narcissistic supply runs out, they already have another one ready to go. Fresh meat who is currently being love-bombed just like you were at one point. There are two main sources involved with narcissistic supply addiction, and they are the following:. You might think that supply is always positive towards a Narcissist, but it can be negative as well.
They love when a spouse is stuck with the hate-love relationship, children are easy targets for gaslighting parents as well.
A high is a high for them, whatever keeps their insecure image deep down inside for nobody to see. In this case, parental alienation will be at full speed to destroy any relationship this person has with their children. It is not uncommon to see a person attempt to outplay a narcissist by exposing the devious mask of shame. You can expect false allegations, protection orders, smear campaigns, and anything to keep you away from spreading the truth.
The ones that align knowingly, or unknowingly with their twisted new partners and joining in on sadistic narcissistic abuse. They are often found in an abusive triangulation. They will fall for the sob story and even soothe them. They will gossip about you, tarnish your image, and carry on a long smear campaign against you. They fiend for narcissistic supply themselves, so trying to convince them will only push you more into a pit of insanity and depression.
You focus on yourself and get it in your head that these people will be against you regardless if they see the truth.
Now they are on a mission for the rest of their life to prove they are more worthy than everybody else. Let me tell you from experience: paying these blood-sucking creatures no mind kills them inside.I am going to write this post as a personal exercise since reminding myself of all the ways, in which we can feed narcissists and preventing myself from doing it is a constant battle for me. In one of my earlier posts, I described how recovering from a narcissistic relationship enabled me to heal my childhood trauma and helped me emotionally and psychologically grow in ways I would have never expected that I was capable of.
The first part of this healing journey was learning about my own defence mechanisms and faulty patterns of behaviour, which I created to protect myself as a child growing up in a highly dysfunctional family. The second part was about diving under the surface of human interactions and discovering how the invisible relationship dynamics and hidden agendas really run the show for us.
Our understanding of this hidden world of interpersonal relations is key to stopping ourselves from constantly re-enacting the same situations and conflicts over and over again.
Most of us, unless we are committed to our personal growth and healing our inner incompletions, tend to seek to some extent energy from outside — it could be validation, approval, emotional soothing, feeling needed and wanted — anything that would make us feel better about ourselves.
Unless we are self-aware, we tend to look to outside sources to fill ourselves up with positive feelings rather than generating the happiness from inside. If this exchange of supply is interrupted, negative feelings come up.
The narcissists, however, takes this energy exchange on a totally different level. The narcissist runs on this external supply completely and has devised many resourceful ways how to garner it. He or she is totally dependent, or better say, addicted to it, which is the reason for their odd behaviours. Some narcissists seek tonnes of positive supply. Narcissists might present themselves as saviours of people in distress again only in superficial situationsto gain admiration and approval.
They may be focused on performance or looks, or other ways to make themselves feel superior to others, to gather this positive supply. The narcissists that are less capable of generating positive supply would resort to garnering negative supply. Even the narcissists that are skilled at extracting positive supply essentially in fooling people what awesome altruists they are do need negative supply as well.
It simply might be someone the narcissist is jealous of or projects their inner shadow onto narcissists disown their shadow, their dark side, and project it onto others. Because the narcissist subconsciously dislikes himself, he or she then dislikes the person onto whom they projected their shadow — you know the mind-fuck when they are accusing you of exactly the thing that they are doing to you?
There are many ways how to extract negative supply. But it gets worse. They would frequently choose vulnerable targets and try to passive aggressively demean them. They usually rightly sense, which target is reactive, and would focus on such a person to maximise the gains. They would manipulate others against the target, presenting their fantasy version of reality, in which the narc is the victim and the target is the perpetrator.
It could be the emotionally abusive parent complaining to everyone who would listen what an ungrateful brat you are after you challenge his or her behaviour. It could be a narcissistic ex who discards of you without a second thought and starts telling everyone how desperately in love you still are with them when you start asking question about what happened in the relationship.Posted by Christine Narcissistic Supply really refers to those people who provide a constant source of attention, approval, adoration, admiration, etc.
The narcissist perceives themselves as being very independent. They could not deal with the fact that they need anybody, because needing someone would imply some boundary to their power or imply that they are incomplete. Any deviation from this position on the part of their supply will end in punishment for the transgressor. So, like the Queen Bee, the narcissist is surrounded with a hive of worker bees, all in service to their needs, which ironically make them totally co-dependent on others for their survival.
As with all addictions, there are good and bad sources of supply, and to the narcissist, any source is better than none. However, given a choice, their first choice would be to pursue the finest sources possible. The best source would depend on how they view the Supply in the first place.
If they can get the admiration from a source that they find superior themselves, then that would be even better. So if they admire someone, for whatever reason, for example, their intellect, their knowledge, their wealth, their position, etc.
Of course, they would only respect those people who they would acknowledge as being on a higher social status than themselves anyway. This may be by way of getting information, skills, knowledge etc. If they can gleam that which they admire in the other, then they in effect become just like the object of their desire, they are elevated in their own eyes to a higher social status themselves. In the meantime, they will continue to extract as much admiration for themselves from the relationship as possible; this bolsters their confidence while they model their new status to the world.
However, the narcissist knows that this honeymoon period will be short lived, because once they have exhausted the relationship, and they get all that they wanted they will become bored. Once bored they will be unable to keep up the pretense of being a mutual caring cohort, the false integrated self they presented begins to breakdown, along with their patience to keep up their act of being an ally.
Then, quite abruptly and inexplicably, they decide it is time that it is all over, and a quick as the changing wind, the narcissist becomes cold, uninterested and devious. The narcissist then starts his vicious attack whereby he sets about devaluing his dismissed Supply. Part of the reason for wanting to kill off the individual is because in order to con them into giving them what they wanted, the narcissist it required to reveal some things about himself. This brings a sense of intimacy which is very unsettling because it makes them feel vulnerable, therefore fearful.
After having, what felt like an intimate relationship, naturally the source of supply the victim is utterly confused by the sudden change in behaviour toward them. Being treated in this fashion is a very personal thing to the victim, however, to the narcissist is not that personal at all, for they would have reacted absolutely the same way to any other source because, to him, all sources are transposable.The narcissist uses five main tools.
These are gifts, affection, withdrawal, threats and violence and in exactly this order. Gifts : Gifts can be used in two ways. They can either be a symbol of submission or a symbol of demand. Free people generally do not give gifts because they have what they want and do not want to submit nor demand.
The communication between the victim and the narcissist is based upon gifts.
The narcissist gives gifts in order to make the victim depended. The victim in return accepts these gifts and returns far greater gifts in order to accept this submission. The altruist on the other hand simply helps but does not give gifts either.
So if your relationship starts off with gifts not to be confused with supportthat is a bad sign. Think about children. Most of the time, they make deals with each other. If a child gives a gift it is because the child doesn't like the item any longer.
Affection : The narcissist very early on claims soul mate ship, ultimate love. Everything seems incredible and unbelievable - a dream come true. Free people might show each other affection but generally feel comfortable with themselves. They might enjoy the company of someone but will stay focused on their own interests. The victim is needy co-dependent due to some childhood abuse. The narcissist is not needy in terms of affection but admiration within the group where the narcissist keeps his or her spider-web.
However, the narcissist gives this affection in order to draw the victim into this spider web. This is a difficult time for the narcissist because the narcissist cannot be intimate.
Hence, intimacy is replaced by sex. Withdrawal : Once the victim's dependency is re-directed onto the narcissist, the narcissist begins to withdraw. Step by step the supposed closeness is disappearing.
The victim experiences this as a great loss and the narcissist finds him or herself on a high. The narcissist thinks something like: "I don't have to give gifts, I don't have to show affection, and yet I am being admired.
Now the narcissist starts to panic because the admiration seems to be diminishing and s he starts to threaten the victim. These threats are of the kind: "You are a liar. You said you loved me but now you obviously don't. Strangely enough, this has already happened but the narcissist will try to convince the victim that all is as it always used to be.In children, narcissistic withdrawal may be described as 'a form of omnipotent narcissism characterised by the turning away from parental figures and by the fantasy that essential needs can be satisfied by the individual alone'.
For adults, 'in the contemporary literature the term narcissistic withdrawal is instead reserved for an ego defense in pathological personalities'. Freud used the term 'to describe the turning back of the individual's libido from the object onto themselves Freud's most profound contribution to object relations theory ',  he examined how 'a withdrawal of the libido Otto Fenichel would extend his analysis to borderline conditions, demonstrating how 'in a reactive withdrawal of libido For Melanie Kleinhowever, a more positive element came to the fore: 'frustration, which stimulates narcissistic withdrawal, is also However, from the midth century onwards, attention has increasingly focused on 'the case in which the subject appeals to narcissistic withdrawal as a defensive solution This is found in studies of narcissistic personalities or borderline pathologies by authors such as Heinz Kohut or Otto Kernberg '.
Kohut considered that 'the narcissistically vulnerable individual responds to actual or anticipated narcissistic injury either with shamefaced withdrawal or with narcissistic rage'.
Closely related to narcissistic withdrawal is ' schizoid withdrawal : the escape from too great pressure by abolishing emotional relationships altogether'. If 'of all modes of narcissistic withdrawal, depression is the most crippling',  a contributing factor may be that 'depressed persons come to appreciate consciously how much social effort is in fact required in the normal course of keeping one's usual place in undertakings'.
Object relations theory would see the process of therapy as one whereby the therapist enabled his or her patient to have 'resituated the object from the purely schizoid usage to the shared schizoid usage initially until eventually Fenichel considered that in patients where 'their narcissistic regression is a reaction to narcissistic injuries; if they are shown this fact and given time to face the real injuries and to develop other types of reaction, they may be helped enormously'  Neville Symington however estimated that 'often a kind of war develops between analyst and patient, with the analyst trying to haul the patient out of the cocoon From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Hjulmand, The Language of Winnicott p. Shaffer, The Blinding Torch p. Rosenfeld, Rosenfeld in Retrospective p. Raush, Close Relationships p. Denial Idealization and devaluation Distortion Projection Splitting. Categories : Narcissism Psychoanalytic terminology Freudian psychology. Namespaces Article Talk.